


Your Embrace Clears the Storm

by Lonyn



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Comfort, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff, Love Confessions, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Series of Oneshots, Sex, Smut, loving relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-14 04:36:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28914726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lonyn/pseuds/Lonyn
Summary: A series of oneshots involving my Shepard, Lonyn. Ranging from their first time together in ME1 to post ME3 recovery.
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Female Shepard
Comments: 6
Kudos: 9





	1. Spectacular

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contains NSFW content!

When it hit her it was like a ton of bricks. A Krogan headbutt to the face. It nearly knocked her off her feet when he simply walked into the room and he made her smile. He hadn’t even seen her yet, hadn’t tossed that Kaidan smile her way, but the revelation still slapped her across the face when her heart dared to flutter.

She was in love. In _love_. _In LOVE_. With Kaidan. Her comrade in arms, the man who in such a short time became her best friend.

She could barely recall when it happened. How did it happen? She wasn’t the type to fall in love, just the type to fall into bed with nameless men on shore leave. She didn’t do relationships, ever. Just empty, meaningless fun.

Yet Kaidan... she let all the walls down for him and it barely took a few weeks. The intimacy they shared in their conversations, late at night, eyes barely able to stay open. But the conversations demanded answers and the answers deserved more questions, and more questions led to respect and fondness at their answers. She didn’t know when it happened. But it happened. Without her knowledge.

There was only one other man she had feelings for that she could’ve described as being close to what she felt, yet it didn’t even hold a candle. Kelly had also been her best friend, and there was never a chance to explore what they had before Akuze happened and he was gone, his initials tattooed at her ribs like the rest of those forty-nine souls she didn’t perish with. 

But what if... What if she didn’t let this chance slip by? The thought of losing Kaidan now before she could tell him how she felt nearly frightened her more than telling him how she felt. What if he didn’t even feel the same way? What if he did? And what if they were caught and she couldn’t work with him? Couldn’t have those conversations she held so dear to her heart.

She barely knew him and without hesitation pulled him from the beacon’s grasp. He barely knew her and he sat by her side all night after Eden Prime. 

She stayed up late to sort out her thoughts, alone in the hum of the night hours, though there was not much difference in space between night and day. One night he couldn’t sleep either and their deep and bonding friendship blossomed from there.

She still couldn’t find the moment, couldn’t pinpoint when it happened. What if there wasn’t one? She simply cared for this man, this kind and thoughtful man. He didn’t judge her when she couldn’t let herself cry after Ashley’s death. She didn’t judge him when he did cry. Tears for her meant weakness, and she couldn’t be weak in this line of work. To her his tears showed compassion; compassion that she admired. It made her feel guilty and sick to think of the survivor’s guilt she put on his shoulders.

Quickly she moved from her spot; she couldn’t face him after this revelation. How would she even face him now anyway? He would know something’s wrong, that something had shifted. For the sake of keeping him in her life and on board this ship she wouldn’t say a word.

It wasn’t until the lockdown a week later, sliding down the lockers feeling so damn helpless that he came to her. After their conversation about what they had to do it finally popped.

“Lonyn, I know you’ve been avoiding me... We should talk.”

She stared up at him, his honey brown eyes locked with hers, so much warmth behind them that she found herself lost for a moment. She wasn’t sure what he felt for her, but there were many moments that she could recall that made her sure he felt the same. It didn’t stop the nervous flutter in her heart. He held his hand out to her and she took it, and she couldn’t help but notice the extra pull in his tug that caused her to shift closer to him when he pulled her up. He knew what he was doing and she found the air thickening.

“Yeah,” she nodded, slipping from him. “My cabin?” She backed towards it and he followed. It was probably the worst suggestion if she didn’t want others to talk, but they were alone, not a soul in their presence, and most were off on the Citadel anyway.

Once inside she ran her fingers through her hair, straightening her back, and rolling out her shoulders. He was quiet and she finally turned around to look at him, hands placed on his hips, head dipped as he looked at the floor. Whatever this unspoken thing was; it was finally here and coming to a head. Sure they flirted, she couldn’t help herself, it was just who she was, and he usually laughed it off. But it was different, had been different for a while now.

“You mean a lot to me, Lonyn.” She swallowed at his words, took in a sharp breath. “I don’t know if... you know... if it’s not there for you and that’s why you’ve been avoiding me but... I just need you to know... I care about you more than I know I should,” he wiped his hand over his mouth, his voice raspier the softer he spoke.

“I feel the same...” she blurted, head lolling back as she berated herself. She didn’t have feelings like this. Wasn’t supposed to. Yet she’d already established that she did. There was no going back and she took a step closer. “I don’t know how to explain that I...” she trailed off, shaking her head as she perched on the edge of the desk, hanging her head as her hair spilled over her shoulder. “I’ve only ever had flings, Kaidan. I’ve never talked to a man the way I’ve talked to you... never told anyone, even friends, what I’ve told you.” The quiet spanned between them. His silence all but screamed for her to continue and she was quietly screaming she couldn’t behind those walls. But he’d already burst through them without her realizing it, and he was there in her heart and her mind.

“I’m not good with poetic prose, Kaidan...” she chuckled softly. “But I... I realized something and that’s why I’ve been avoiding you, but I don’t know if I can say it out loud...”

“You don’t have to,” he quickly assured her. “I feel it too. And I want you to know that I don’t feel this way often, but for different reasons... It has to be the right person for me and... you... I don’t know when I started feeling that for you, but it’s been a while now. Despite everything, despite the rules... I can’t just let this pass me by again... you’re too important to me...” the computer’s hum threatened to envelope them in the quiet of the room. It was similar for both of them, he didn’t tell Rana how he felt way back when and it wasn’t long after that everything changed. She didn’t tell Kelly and she lost him on Akuze.

He held his hand out to her again and she grasped it. He tugged the same way as before and she was pressed against him.

The air simmered around them. “Lonyn... you make me feel... human,” he uttered, and she broke, couldn’t help but be the first to take the plunge. Her lips settled against his, and when he returned the kiss back it was hungry, passionate, and for a moment it caught her off guard. He was controlled, disciplined, but he fell through the restraint. She pressed back as firmly as he had, arms wrapping around his neck, chest pressed tightly together. He broke for a moment to breathe, a soft, raspy chuckle gasping from his lips before he kissed her again, tongue easing against her lips, hands sliding over her hips.

She couldn’t let him take the whole lead, it wasn’t who she was after all in her alpha mind, but she realized she’d bend for Kaidan and let him lead too. When his hand slipped beneath the hem of her shirt sliding up her back she shuddered, tiny crackles of biotic energy teasing her skin letting her know his control was slipping. She tugged at his shirt at his boldness, pulling it off of him. The boundaries were down, the gates open, and her shirt was gone as well as they tugged at each other’s belts.

She was desperate to explore this connection, hadn’t even slept with anyone since this mission began which startled her when she realized it months ago. But no one felt interesting and she knew the reason why now. Kaidan had unknowingly upped her standards. 

She unsnapped her bra, letting it fall to the floor and he turned her around just so he could slide his hands over her stomach and over her breasts as he hugged her to him, lips settling along her shoulder. Her height rivaled his, and already she felt a perfect fit. His hand wandered lower as she sighed, slipping below her underwear and she sucked in a breath as he eased over her clit. She arched, his mouth settled against her neck, smirk splaying across her skin. She was so wound up as he stroked her, coiled tightly, breathing heavy, hand clenching his wrist as he held her tight. She wouldn’t last much longer if he continued to do that and she pulled him away from her as she yanked him towards the bed.

He laughed, both of them getting rid of their last articles of clothing before she tugged his hand this time to pull him down on top of her. She reached down, stroking him, thick and hard in her hand and he crushed her mouth with his in a groan. He settled his hips between hers as she spread her legs, pulling him closer to where she wanted him and he asked her if she was sure before she said yes all too eagerly.

It was slow, his cock easing wonderfully inside of her, and she nearly broke just feeling him thick within her. She gasped, raking her fingers down his back feeling the shudder ripple through him, while a grunt escaped him. He held himself steady, both of them adjusting to the feeling of being joined for the first time, savoring the moment. She could break at any moment as she clung to him, breathy gasps and quiet cusses. He kissed her, fingers intertwining with hers as he pressed her hands beside her head. The weight of him on top of her was amazing, her legs wrapping around his waist, still not quite ready to let go of this blissful moment.

He let go of her hand, gripping her thigh and she ran her fingers through his hair as she kissed him harder. His hips ground against hers and she moaned, loosening her legs as he pulled out and thrust back inside of her. Another moan escaped her and another thrust caused him to crack.

“Lonyn...” he grunted, “it’s been... it’s been a while... I’m not gonna,” he groaned and she nodded, kissing him back.

“Me neither,” she said. She rolled them over, riding him, faster and faster, until he sat up, wrapping his arms around her. She was almost there, so close, and the desperate buck of his hips let her know he was too. He clutched her tight, and she swore she saw a flare of blue in his eyes before he squeezed them shut and grunted. The last thrust of his hips and they came undone, her walls pulling him tighter, deeper, and she couldn’t breathe for a moment as she hugged him tight. His head was buried at her neck; he trembled before relaxing. Both of them could barely catch their breath and he brushed her hair away from her face as he pressed his lips to hers, searing them with a breathy kiss.

They were both warm, air cool upon their slick skin. She certainly never felt such an intense connection like this, but she had to remind herself she’d never felt anything like what she felt for Kaidan before. She felt cheesy, corny, and the thought caused her to laugh against his mouth and his lips curled into a smile.

“I hope that’s a good laugh,” he chuckled.

“Spectacular,” she breathed, pressing her lips back to his.

“ _Commander_?” She stilled when Joker’s voice came over the comm and for a moment fear touched her. She desperately hoped he hadn’t tapped in and heard anything going on. She thought she’d told him her room was off limits. “ _I know, I know, I wouldn’t have checked in, but it’s urgent. It’s Anderson._ ”

“Fuck,” she quietly swore. “What’s going on, Joker?” She responded. Kaidan was as quiet as she was. Where she was cavalier with most rules he certainly was not. With this she was in agreement; she didn’t want them to be reprimanded then split up if they were found out. 

“ _He wants to talk about this lockdown situation and Ilos. Think he’s got a plan. Want me to call the Lieutenant?_ ”

“No, no that’s fine, I’ll grab him on my way out.”

“ _Aye, aye, Commander._ ” Silence fell upon them.

“Shit,” she swore again, but quiet.

“I don’t regret this,” he whispered, still holding her to him.

She placed her hand upon his cheek, thumb swiping along his skin. His hand found hers, and he moved his mouth to kiss her palm.

“Neither do I. But that doesn’t mean I want you getting in trouble,” she whispered back.

“But not yourself?” His brow rose, a soft laugh leaving him.

“The Alliance is used to reprimanding me. I’m sure that’s not the case with you.”

He rolled his eyes and she pulled his face to hers, settling her lips against his. She was lost within the moment before she found her senses, both of them trying hard to be quiet and not laugh.

They quickly cleaned themselves up and got dressed, but before he could sneak out the door she tugged him back to her. She only needed one more kiss before he left. She’d never felt her heart flutter at the thought of when she’d get to kiss him, hug him, again. His smile was goofy, and he laughed before pulling away.

“We’ll never leave if you keep doing that. Sounds like Captain has a plan.”

She smirked, “yeah... just when I was getting used to this whole lockdown thing.” She joked. He shook his head, more grinning from the both of them before he slipped through the door.

She would have to curb that, or else Anderson would figure it out all too soon, but she couldn’t help herself. She was grinning like a fool; a goddamned fool in fucking love.


	2. Unease

To say she was angry put it mildly. Furious was barely better. For the first time she set foot into her new quarters on Normandy 2.0, and she felt ill walking through this ship, this near clone of the original SSV.

A number of things rolled through her mind along with a lot of fucks and confusion. Time barely felt as though it passed, yet pain surged through a time that felt vast and empty— memories buzzing. Dead for two years? Or was she really dead? Suspended? No, she died, there was no surviving that. But the confusion of it all. How was it possible to bring someone back from the dead?

It was agonizing, because the alternative was that she was a poorly constructed clone, a fake, a fraud, though she felt as real as she did that last day... she looked in the mirror, her old scar still puckered over her cheeks and nose but those glaring red gouges peppered her face in a few places. Miranda said it was because of negative, rogue tendencies, anger and stress. It should go away with time if she tried to remain calm and positive. 

She shook her head; for fuck’s sake how was she supposed to accomplish that in this situation? Working for fucking Cerberus because she owed them a life debt, and if she didn’t what would they do to her friends? If Toombs was right they were responsible for Akuze and now she was their fucking lapdog. She gripped the towel bar in the bathroom, muscles tensing, and it didn’t take much to rip the damn thing off the wall as she smashed the mirror to pieces. She took a deep breath trying to calm herself, but there was nothing to be calm about. Even the scar on her face couldn’t tell her if she was the real thing or not.

She lifted her shirt, raising her arm, to see if her tattoos were still there. All the initials were in the same spot, black ink faded in some places. The thresher maw claw scar was underneath it and she felt the back of her shoulder finding marled skin from the acid burns.

It gave her a spot of hope, one tiny piece that she could cling to. If her body felt real enough maybe she was? The memories were there, all of them, and though some things were fuzzy she could recall them despite the throbbing that dared to happen when flashes of pain touched her—slicing, hospital smells, the sounds of frantic beeping.

She shook her head and stepped out into her room. The blue glow of the aquarium was pleasant and she scanned the area. It was better than the old room, more space, and then her eyes caught something on the desk.

A picture in a frame. Immediately she felt a sinking dread. She moved towards it, picking it up. It was her last shore leave after the Citadel attack and she and Kaidan managed to sneak off to some mountain resort on Earth. She was kissing him in the picture that she took of themselves. It was only on her camera, nowhere else. She wasn’t stupid enough to upload it anywhere else for fear of them getting caught. She loved this picture, but seeing it here framed?

Someone went through her things. At her apartment. Her private things. If anyone went through them she’d think it’d be Anderson, but the picture sitting here proved it wasn’t. Cerberus did, and the violation she felt swept upon her like a vile wave. Was this a warning? Or could it be something simple for comfort? Either way it was more leverage they had over her, and it made her feel uneasy.

But then her heart swelled at seeing Kaidan’s face, the smile on his kiss. Alliance contact was shot down when she demanded it, but Cerberus wouldn’t stop her when they went to the Citadel. She needed to see him, needed to know that he was okay, that he was still here. But would he still be hers? And that thought scared her. Two years... two agonizingly long years. She was dead, gone, everyone moved on. She couldn’t expect him to have done otherwise. 

She took a deep breath. For a moment she held it until the lack of air nearly made her sick, unintentionally bringing back that last breath of a moment. Her hands trembled and she squeezed her eyes shut. Don’t think about it, she said over and over, but how could she not? It was screaming in her mind.

She grabbed the bottle from her desk, let the liquid burn down her throat. This felt like post Akuze, but so much worse. 

She’d be damned if she let herself spiral out of control again despite every fiber of her being wanting to, begging to. She couldn’t allow it. Not now. Not ever again.


	3. Leaving Earth

She took his breath away. And not the good kind that he used to feel; the way she walked into the room and he lost himself for a moment at the way she smiled at him. No, this time it was violent, it was anguish and pain. Kaidan was reeling backwards at the sheer force of her.

Earth was being invaded. It was beginning. And there was David Anderson standing there as she hopped onto the Normandy. At first there was relief on her face, and despite him not knowing how to feel about where they were currently at he was glad she was alive and hadn’t died in the explosion at HQ.

But Anderson wasn’t following, wasn’t reaching for Lon’s hand stretched towards him. Confusion knit at her brow, but the Admiral was looking behind him. The view of reapers crushing buildings beneath them as they landed; terrifying red beams eating Vancouver. That’s what he was looking at. It was annihilation; it was the horror movie that wasn’t ending.

The backdrop behind him was surreal. “Let’s go!” She called down to him, but there was something that Anderson was fighting, a war within himself. Kaidan could see it already. He wasn’t boarding the Normandy. He was staying.

“Lon...” David’s voice was stern, yet soft, contradicting itself. Kaidan could see he was battling between speaking to her like a commanding officer... or a father. “I’m staying.”

For a moment Kaidan could see she was barely able to fathom what he just uttered. How could he stay? She wouldn’t let him stay.

“No.” She breathed, forced out the disbelief. “Anderson, let’s go! We have to leave now,” She called to him, but he didn’t listen, only told her she needed to get help, had to plead to the council to listen.

This was a different side to the woman he thought he’d known, partial doubts still lingering that maybe she wasn’t the woman he thought he knew, maybe Cerberus did do something to her. But he saw it, the desperation in her face as she yelled at their Admiral. She was different, but how could she not be different? She died, in front of his eyes, was brought back to life and went through God knew what while fighting the collectors. She was different after Akuze and recent events would make her different too. But she was still the same, he knew she was, knew it deep down.

“I don’t take orders from you anymore,” she called down, and he was pulling her back. It was as if he wasn’t there as she struggled to pull away from him. David was tossing her dog tags up and instead of catching them they clattered along the ramp.

“I’m not leaving without you!” She shouted, her voice damn near breaking, and it was breaking his own heart to hear her like this. He pulled harder, and the force of her palms slamming into his chest was what sent him nearly reeling as he staggered back. She knocked him breathless but a moment.

Biotics flared, he wrapped his arms around her as David ordered him to take her back. They had to go to Mars, then they had to go to the Citadel. But she wouldn’t listen, she struggled, so tall, strong, and ferocious but he surged his biotics just enough to enhance his strength so he could pull her back.

The ramp began to close and she struggled harder, shouted, growled. It hurt to see her like this, hurt to hear the anguish in her voice. He didn’t know if this was the right call, hell he agreed with her, that they shouldn’t leave him behind. Earth needed them and the Normandy was flying away. But the order was clear; this was the smarter choice.

She didn’t see it that way. When he finally let go of her she nearly punched a hole into a cargo crate. She didn’t turn her anger towards him and he was relieved, but her demeanor scared him. She was angry, feral, burning at the situation while blood dripped to the floor from her knuckles. He was afraid to talk to her, was afraid she was angry with him.

He watched her disappear as he leaned against the crate. He could barely process what he saw, didn’t know if he could stomach the thought that what just happened was real. That the reapers were here, obliterating everything they knew.

A glint caught his eye. Her tags. He knew how much they meant to her, knew that she kept not only her tag but her fallen friend and comrade’s on it as well. He picked them up, planning to deliver them later to her, quietly to her cabin when she wasn’t there. He wasn’t sure where they stood, was even more unsure now.

He was glad though for one thing at least. He was back on the Normandy. And even though he could sense his own unease about being together again... he couldn’t help but feel relief at being by her side.


	4. Sanity Check

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contains NSFW content!

If there was such a thing as pre-foreplay their ‘sanity check’ on the Presidium was it. He couldn’t remember the last time they were that intimate, speaking about their feelings so candidly. The way her hand felt back in his as he rest it upon his cheek. Her thumb stroking his cheekbone. He wanted nothing more than to haul themselves back to her apartment, make love to her the way he’d been aching to since before everything turned to hell and back again. But he wanted to wait, wanted this date to be as perfect as they could make it.

Things were raw; he wasn’t sure how they would recover, yet he knew, always knew deep down for himself that she was it. If it wasn’t Lon it wasn’t anyone else. And the way she looked at him, those light blue hues staring back at him with that same fondness she had when they’d begun to get close before. He knew it deep within his bones that he was it for her too.

She admitted how hard it was without him, and he couldn’t help but echo those sentiments. He didn’t just lose his partner, he lost his best friend, and both combined sent him into a whirlwind of emotions he hadn’t felt since Jump Zero. He was angry, upset, horrified. He lost her and he knew he would never get her back.

He shut down, shut himself off from their comrades on the Normandy. He couldn’t continue being reminded of her in all of their faces. He took it hard, and what hurt the most was that no one understood why he took it so hard. Their relationship was so secret, they’d done well to hide it. Perhaps the only one who knew was Anderson. Kaidan couldn’t help breaking down in his office, and quietly they shared a moment of mourning they never spoke of again.

Then everything pulled hard to port, the rumors of her being alive began to circulate, and all the feelings he thought he buried bubbled back up to the surface. He didn’t believe it at first; he couldn’t. He watched her suffocate in space and fall to Alchera. There was no possible way she could be alive.

Then the rumors grew; Cerberus brought her back with new technology, and he finally opened those emails that Liara sent that he failed to read for two years. He didn’t know what to feel about her revelation; was it right, wrong, would Lonyn have wanted that? Was it even really her? But when he saw her he didn’t know what to feel, yet he knew in his gut it was her.

The scar on her face, he’d memorized every detail about it. Her freckles were the same including the two at her temple. He hugged her, squeezed her so tight to prove that she was real and she felt so good nestled back in his arms, but that anger bubbled back to the surface.

Cerberus? How could she align herself with Cerberus? He felt the words accidentally spewing from his mouth, the sharp reprimand, but he couldn’t stop. He had to know if she was really Lonyn Shepard or if they’d done something to her.

She took it all in, nodded. She even agreed with him which made him feel worse. He saw the little motion she caught, her hand trying to reach out to touch him, but he knew out of respect for him she held back. He wished she hadn’t been so considerate, wanted her to be selfish with him the way they both were for each other; when they had each other all to themselves and no one else in the world even mattered.

He sent her that message, but the only reply she gave him was she was sorry she hurt him. He yelled at her and she was sorry? He ached, couldn’t bring himself to visit her when she was detained in Vancouver, but he wanted to so badly. His heart skipped a beat whenever he walked through HQ knowing she was somewhere holed up and being watched. Deep down he knew it wasn’t a good idea, he didn’t want to get her in even more trouble if the Alliance found out about their previous relationship.

But now, now she was here with him, leaning closer, but hesitant to steal a kiss for herself, still holding back even though he never knew her to. She was different now, so was he, and he knew he could coax her back into all of it. It was only a matter of time till he nudged her back into his arms.

The walk back to her apartment was long, longing to touch each other but trying not to be too obvious in public. Their hands brushed in gentle touches, much more gentle than she ever was. Lon was fire, she wasn’t hesitant, she was all in guns blazing. Though it wasn’t always that way, she could relent, he’d take the lead and when he did he needed to take his time and that was his every intention tonight. Tonight could be the last, tonight may be all they had, but he couldn’t think about tomorrow when they had tonight all to themselves.

Inside was quiet, but he could hear his own heartbeat thrumming within, and he didn’t need any more time to pull her in and when he settled his lips to hers it was bliss. She tasted exactly how he remembered, not realizing how badly he needed to feel the press of her lips against his.

A sated sigh left her mouth, and he began to remember all the quiet little sounds she used to make and he wanted to hear all of them now. He needed to hear them. She was tugging his jacket off, he let her, until she tried to pull at his shirt and he grabbed her hands, and pinned them to the wall. He caught the smirk on her lips before he kissed her again, causing him to chuckle when he couldn’t help but smile.

His hands slipped down her arms so he could wrap them around her waist, squeeze her tight, burying his face at her neck, only to inhale the refreshing scent of her. Her arms wrapped around his shoulders, and he felt her tightly embrace him. He missed the strength and firmness of her hugs, the feeling behind it. Lonyn didn’t show affection a lot, and with them being military and having strict regulations, that part was always a no. Never too friendly or else some Officer with a chip on their shoulder would cause trouble not minding their own business.

A murmur escaped her, one that filled his heart with so much joy. When he was at Huerta they spoke in past tense; loved, _‘I loved you,’ ‘did what we have—.”_ To hear her say it now; _I love you, Kaidan, I never stopped_. He had to see her face, pleasant, content, the lines at her eyes increasing as she smiled.

“I love you so much, Lonyn,” he told her, his thumb running over her lips, and he couldn’t stop himself from crushing her mouth with his, hard, heady, needy. Her shirt was off in mere seconds, followed by his and the rush to make it upstairs was quickened by their admissions. It’d been too long, far too long, and he needed her like he needed the air in his lungs. He could barely get enough through their kiss, but each breath he managed in between was sweet and crisp followed by the softness of her lips returning to his.

It didn’t take long to lose the rest of their clothes, but he felt the frenzy calming and he was back to wanting to savor as much of her as he could. It drove her insane, already, he could tell by the subtle rise of her hips and the way her hands gripped his shoulders, fingers pressing deeper into his muscles.

He only slept with one other person in her absence, one that felt like cheating despite knowing in his heart at the time she was gone. Even then he still couldn’t accept it. Being with that person felt wrong, it wasn’t her, and he was too drunk to remember half of it. It added to the uncomfortable experience, he didn’t sleep with people just to do it, that connection had to be there, that irresistible attraction. He didn’t know if he would ever feel that again, but he knew he couldn’t force it. It’d been a while for him, but he was ready for the slow and steady climb, the rush could wait.

He traced his fingers down her shoulder as they laid on the bed, felt the shiver that ran down her spine when he pressed his chest to hers. She admitted once to him that there was always a little tingle that she felt from his fingertips. Sometimes he couldn’t keep the most minute aspect of his biotics in check, but he smirked as he kissed down her neck, knowing she could feel it, and he sometimes did it on purpose. Who was he kidding? He definitely used it to his advantage to give her all the pleasure she deserved.

His mouth moved down, her chest rising and falling quicker, his lips finding a sensitive peak, tight and taut when he enveloped it. Her fingers slipped through his hair, lightly gripping as she tried to hide when her back arched, always too proud at first to show how much she was affected. He heard his name in a breathy whisper, her voice hitching when his fingers wandered between her thighs, sliding through the sweet warmth of her. He pressed lightly at first, mouth still greedy at her chest, and he felt a quick jerk of her hips. She let out a sharp gasp, his finger pressing further inside her and he ached at his loins, feeling himself throb at her reaction, but he could wait. He needed to wait. Delving another finger slower than the first, she finally moaned when he pressed further, and he faltered a mere moment, not realizing how weak he could feel at so simple a sound.

She was so beautiful like this, more vulnerable than he’d ever seen her, free, light, unburdened by all the trials they were fighting through. He quickened his pace, knowing she needed that release and it wasn’t long before she gasped, her body tensing, fingers gripping his hair. He had to kiss her, had to swallow the moan to satisfy his growing need, drink up those beautiful sounds he missed so dearly.

It was soothing, riding down her high in delicate and sudden rough kisses, and he was lost in her, lost in the moment, letting control leave him. She tasted his own gasp, his sudden moan he couldn’t help let escape when her palm found his shaft. He had to break from her kiss, fight with himself the need to pull her hand away, fight himself to let her be selfish in this moment and take his pleasure for her own. Those fingers wrapped so perfectly around him, thumb teasing over the tip of him, and he had to keep telling himself not yet, as his shoulders tensed and he felt closer and closer to breaking.

He crushed his mouth against hers, grunting when his own hand pressed firmly on hers. He felt her smirk, playfulness exuding from her, but she suddenly moaned when he pressed against her own bundle of nerves once again, letting her feel one tiny jolt, a small pop of electric blue lighting the dimness of the room for one moment.

“Kaidan,” his name escaped her lips, and he could listen to the way she said it over and over and never tire of it. “I need you so bad.” It was a whimper, an admission so hot and sweet he nearly faltered. Her hands were grabbing his hips, pulling him closer, and he had to indulge, had to give her what she needed and what he needed.

The tip of him finally pressing at her opening was like returning home, so hot, wet, the slow press in was nearly enough to undo him. The slide inside of her was so easy, so slow, he was aching to feel her sheath around him completely. They moaned together as their hips locked, pressing in as deep as he could while he gripped her thigh. He felt her squeeze him tighter, he moaned again and she followed after, both so breathless and lost in the moment of feeling so complete after being in pieces for so long.

He nearly pulled out of her all the way, only to slide back in slow and deep again, and again, each motion more fulfilling than the last. She panted, writhed, her hips meeting each slow thrust of his own, trying to coax him into a faster pace, but this was just too good to go too fast. He snapped his hips into hers, pressing deep once again, but he had to stop, had to look at her, memorize again the pleasure that marked her face. Her mouth was slightly open, and he couldn’t help running his thumb over her lower lip, smearing a trail of electric blue. She keened this time, hips trying to buck against him, breathless and simply amazing while pinned underneath him. Her fingers pressed into his back, digging into the increasing tension in his muscles. She squeezed him harder this time and he couldn’t hold it back any longer.

His hips moved quicker, thrusting deeper inside of her tightening sheath, and he lost himself in the noises they both couldn’t contain any longer. He was close, so damn close to pure bliss, and he pressed his finger between them at their joining, feeling her break beneath him while he shattered a mere moment later. He dug deeper, feeling her pulsing tighter and tighter around him as he throbbed within her. His groan was long, dragging, his body so tense as he spent himself inside her. They finally breathed, both of them relaxing just slightly. For a moment he swore time stood still, allowing him to savor the way she slowly pulsed so perfectly around him.

He found her lips in the haze, kissing her in the euphoria, so slow and simple, so intimate. It couldn’t be any better than this, but he knew it could, aching slightly at the anticipation of having her to himself again. He couldn’t help touching her, hands sliding over dewy skin, wanting to keep this moment for as long as he could make it last. Who knew when they could steal moments alone like this again.

The room was quiet around them as they slipped in and out of sleep. It felt so perfect to have her lying next to him, half on his chest as she laid on her stomach. His hand rested at her lower back, her palm placed right over the steady beat of his heart. It felt like a century since they’d last done this, and as much as he wanted to talk about anything and everything the moment was too wonderful to ruin with too many words.

He felt her press a kiss to his chest, and she propped herself up to look down at him. Her eyes were a darker shade of blue in the dimness of the room, but he saw everything she was saying to him with just that look. Her smile was pleasant, content, and he smiled back up at her, placing his hand on her cheek to slide his thumb across her freckles. He let out a sigh, her smile widened, and she planted that smile to his lips. It was a long lingering kiss, the kind of searing kiss he knew he would feel long after her lips were gone.

“I love you,” she murmured, delicately planting another kiss before she returned to his side.

He moved, hugging her tightly to his body. “I love you too.”


	5. Calm

Kaidan smelled so good, skin fresh yet so soft over hardened muscle. She lay draped over his back, losing count of each freckle as she slid her finger over each mark. Her cheek pressed to his shoulder as she rode each inhale of breath he took.

This was her calm. Her peace. Lying in bed, nothing to do, no one asking favors. It truly was the softness she needed now. It was hard to sleep these days, terrors in the night plaguing her with dark dreams and memories not long passed. It was worse after she finally awoke from an endless nightmare. But once she was able to go home with Kaidan the night terrors were less frequent. She was still plagued by them, but it was easier to deal with.

Especially when he asked no questions, never made her outbursts seem like a burden. The man was living with broken sleep and she wanted nothing more than to let him be at peace in the night but he was her rock, she needed him when it was terrifying. His arms around her, rocking her, whispering the time, the date, anything he thought that could help ease her back into the waking world and back to the present.

The present, where he was there always, away from danger. Where he was cradling her in his arms as she woke and realized she wasn’t crushed under rubble in a tiny pocket of oxygen, in the void of space gasping desperately for air, assaulted by thresher maws… or staring down a Reaper.

He was there, he was home, he was the pale blue glow of biotic light in the night and she couldn’t begin to express how much she loved him for it.

He didn’t ask for anything, never pleaded for a favor, but she would give him anything and everything if he did. She tried to, but she never felt like she could express her gratitude enough.

He was there at the hospital, there for the painful rehab, the subsequent operations to repair her implants. All of it. He was there, no questions asked.

Her hand slid down his back, found the beginning of the scar he received back at Jump Zero. The long gash was still visible on his right side along his rib cage. A glaring reminder that made him think about those moments every day. When he admitted that she made him feel human it didn’t click at first. She didn’t realize that the whole situation made him feel like some sort of monster not even fit to be human.

It broke her heart; he was the most caring person she ever knew. How he could ever think of himself as a monster was beyond her.

Her fingers slid over his scar, he stirred, recoiling slightly at her light touch. His sides were sensitive; it took him a moment to adjust to the touch when it wasn’t expected. He was in a light sleep, both of them tired from the day. He was teaching several classes and she was trying to get herself back into shape. Her part was still difficult, but she was going stir crazy without a job to do, what the hell did a retired soldier do?

This. She kissed between his shoulders, the back of his neck and she watched the smile that spread on his lips as he woke. This is what a retired soldier did when there was nothing left to throw upon their shoulders. Spending the time she’d been granted, several times over now, with the one man who made her feel so whole and complete.

“Mm.. Lonyn..” he mumbled her name and she smiled against his skin. She once asked him why he called her by her first name. Full. No nicknames. In front of everyone it was Commander, but in private her name rolled off his lips like it never did off of others. She loved that he was the only one who dared to call her by her name.

You’re not just a rank. You’re not an idea. He told her. She was confused. An idea? You’re not just a myth or a fable. A thing, a story that people tell. I want you to know you’re not just Commander Shepard. The myth, the legend, the survivor, the story. You’re you. You’re Lonyn. Even now the memory made her smile like an idiot.

He shifted, she flopped beside him in a heap of laughter as he muttered, ‘my turn.’ He laid his head on her chest, she felt the weight of him press her into the bed. He breathed her in and she hugged him to her. She felt his lips at her collar bone trailing light kisses up her neck. There were plenty men in the past but none ever had a touch quite like his. These moments were so much more intimate, more vulnerable, than sex and she was glad that he was the first she shared her most intimate moments with.

She would never tire of simply being with him.


	6. Comfort

It was crisp outside, chilly, leaves beginning to fall from the trees while the evergreens shivered in the breeze. There couldn’t have been a better place to retire to, yet the last couple years the challenge felt far greater than anything she faced before.

Shepard knew it sounded silly as she leaned on the railing looking out over the lake. How could anything be harder than Akuze… Virmire? Dying and coming back to life, and having the Citadel practically collapse upon her after the last siege on Earth. Thinking about it all made her head hurt. Sometimes it felt like a dream that she went through all of that. Most of the time it felt like a nightmare.

They were less frequent these days; the nightmares had ebbed and if it wasn’t for Kaidan being by her side she knew she would’ve gone crazy as soon as she woke up. Almost did. But he was there, never left her side. She inhaled a cool breeze, wind brushing her hair over her shoulders as she habitually ran her fingers through it at her forehead.

She was a little anxious these days, Kaidan still worked for the Alliance teaching his Biotic students and she was finally able to join him every once in a while to offer a helping hand. She didn’t go in very often, sometimes the anxiety still bit, but at least she was less of a distraction.

They looked at Kaidan with admiration already, when he spoke she watched the light twinkle in their youthful eyes. The novelty wore off from her, there was more Kaidan could teach being so skilled in Biotics and not much she could offer except for her ease and skill with weaponry, sniping, and hand to hand combat. She mainly loved to watch his students learn from him, loved watching him thrive as an instructor, a teacher.

Things were good these days, yet she couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something more she could do as she recovered. The uphill battle was excruciating this time around. She couldn’t brush off therapy this time like she did after Akuze, and those sessions were sometimes more intense than physical therapy and the reconstructive surgery done on her implants. She didn’t remember much of that first year, the doctor’s visits, the vacancy that occupied her mind during therapy. It was hard to try but she was determined. She wanted to feel like herself again, she was never the same after Akuze, but before Eden Prime she was close. Yet after her death, everything went sideways and up and down so many times she lost count.

She perked up, hearing the sound of Kaidan’s car as it pulled into the driveway, another car followed moments later. She wondered who else had arrived and set her long legs into motion as she stepped back inside their home and made her way downstairs. Those familiar voices all warmed her heart, listening to Kaidan’s voice alongside his parents.

“Hey,” he smiled at her, moving her way to ease a kiss against her lips and she smiled against his mouth. She brushed her thumb over his cheek, gave one extra peck before saying hello to his folks. His father pressed a kiss to her cheek, quick hug before she knelt down to receive his mother’s tight embrace.

“Mom wanted to cook us dinner,” Kaidan chuckled, and she saw the groceries set down in the doorway. The boys gathered some up, and she took the leftovers as they all made their way to the kitchen. His mom quickly began to organize her items, and Lon sat herself at the bar as she watched the Alenkos. She smiled as she set her chin on her palm, his father was asking him about his day, his mother chiming in with questions. She loved these nights, loved watching him with his parents, the happiness that creased the corner of his eyes and his smile.

“If you don’t mind, Lon, could you cut these for me?”

“Of course,” she replied, and his mother set the cutting board with the vegetables down in front of her. She had a feeling she was making her hot noodle soup, and her mouth watered at the thought. It was her favorite, and on a crisp new fall day like this she could think of nothing better.

It was reminiscent of the first time she met his parents. They were so excited, yet she was still so broken. It wasn’t long after she’d begun to recover, a year ago maybe. She could remember trying to keep the nervous shakes of her injuries at bay while trying to ease her nerves at trying not to look like a fool. She’d never met the parents before, and she felt embarrassed that the Shepard they met wasn’t the Shepard they’d heard stories about. But they were so warm and kind. She never knew her mother, had no ties and information on who she ever even was. There was only one memory of her father, the day he left blurred into the day she was taken to foster care and forgotten in the system for twelve years when she eventually ran away at sixteen.

His father’s hug was as warm as she remembered the last hug her own father gave her, and his mother was as loving as she always hoped her own mother would’ve been. Her only family was ever her crew, and the loss of Anderson had reopened the empty hole that he’d replaced in absence of her parents. She pushed those thoughts at bay as she carefully cut the veggies, trying to be precise. She was not a cook, nowhere near one. Her expertise ended at the microwave. Kaidan was the cook, clearly getting his talent from his folks.

Kaidan slid in next to her at the bar, pressing a kiss to her cheek as he set a beer down in front of her. She smiled, glancing up as she saw his father begin to help his wife in the kitchen.

“How was your day,” she asked as she finished up the last of her vegetables.

“Typical day,” he shrugged. “They’re learning so quickly, I don’t think there’s a single one of them struggling.”

“Well, look at their teacher,” she smirked at him watching him wave off the praise as per usual.

“Nah, they’re a talented bunch. I haven’t done much.”

“Uh huh,” she rolled her eyes playfully, and he slid his fingers into her hand at her lap.

“How was yours?”

“Good. Better now,” she admitted, feeling his fingers stroke her hand. It was a rough night between reoccurring pain and night terrors. She went for a run, worked out, took a shower and napped the rest of the day. He would’ve stayed home but she insisted it was okay. She was much better these days, and she didn’t want to take his students’ teacher away from them.

“Sorry for the surprise but—”

“Kaidan, your parents are welcome any time here. No appointment required,” she chuckled, brushing her fingers against the greys at his temple. “You know how much I love them too.” He smiled, leaning in to brush a quick kiss to her lips.

The evening eased along, his family’s company ending the day on a much better note than it had started. Everyone helped clean up the kitchen, and after his parents left Kaidan poured over his lesson plans in his typical routine. She made her way to the closet to fetch him a blanket and she accidentally knocked a box off the shelf. It was one of the boxes she hadn’t gone through, one she deliberately ignored, and when the datapad fell out of it she found herself staring.

It was a box of things from when she was working for the Illusive Man. One of the incentives to get her to help, but she couldn’t bring herself to look at the lies she would surely find on that datapad. She picked it up, stared at it, then shoved it into the box and pushed it to the back of the closet once again.

She grabbed the blanket and made her way to the couch, Kaidan leaning back as she situated herself between his legs, leaning back against his chest. She relaxed, listening to the content sigh that left him. He swiped and typed a few more things onto it and he set it down on the coffee table.

His arms draped over her chest, hugging her, and he planted a kiss to the back of her head.

“What would you like to do tonight? Watch a movie? Go for a walk?”

She looked up at him then eased to his side, wedging herself between him and the couch. “Something fun…” she smirked sliding her hand up his thigh.

He grinned, “If you’re up for it, who am I to refuse?” His voice deepened, huskiness practically smothering his raspy tone. They stared at each other for a long beat until he leaned down to kiss her. She sighed, wrapping her arms around his neck. She could kiss him all night and be content, but after a while she reluctantly broke away from him.

“You okay?” He brushed his hand over her cheek and she tried to catch her breath.

“I’m sorry…” she wasn’t sure what was wrong, but the previous night and socializing must’ve caught up. She hated when this happened, hated that she wanted to feel good and make him feel good too and lost it in nearly an instant.

She felt the press of his lips between her brows. “It’s alright, Lonyn, it happens.”

She grumbled, “it’s not supposed to happen to me…” she was somewhat frustrated. “But it’s just…” She covered her face with her hands.

“You can talk to me about anything. It doesn’t matter if you think it’s stupid. Get it out,” his voice was so soothing and she loved it, loved how he could make her so calm in an instant when her fiery nerves were trying to overtake her.

“I hate that in an instant I can feel so tired… and barely two minutes ago I wanted you, and I wanted us, and I wanted to make you feel good.” She felt so silly saying it out loud.

His soft laugh reached her ears, “it’s okay. You’re going to have moments like that. And I know it’s frustrating and you have every right to be frustrated, but don’t think about me. I’m not disappointed. You always make me feel good.”

She kissed him, wondering what she did right to deserve someone as good as him. They talked a little longer and fell asleep right there. When she awoke it was late, and she was surprised it wasn’t because of a nightmare. She could see the moonlight filtering through the windows, the night was quiet, Kaidan softly breathing beside her. She realized why she woke, the thought was still nagging at her and she carefully got up and smiled as Kaidan groaned but tucked himself into the warmth of where she was lying. He was tired, still out like the lights. She felt guilty that he barely got a good night’s sleep and she wished she could stop experiencing these issues if only to save his sleep.

Yet he never complained.

Quietly, she padded across the floor heading to the hall closet. She pulled that box out and took the datapad from it. Supposedly the Illusive Man said it contained the ‘truth’ about what happened to her father. What the Alliance never told her. She stared through the translucent screen. She refused to look at it by herself, putting it into her bag she left by the door, but there was one person she knew owed her the truth, and she would demand it from him.

She planned to pay a visit to Admiral Hackett tomorrow. If anyone knew about it, it would be him.


End file.
